Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
