after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.