Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
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Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do