Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
