One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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