he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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