I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
