I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
