It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
