I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
