i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
