rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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