i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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