No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
