Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
