Sponge bath it is.
there's paper in my vomit.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
