dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
