can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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