Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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