So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
