What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
