Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
