so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
