um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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