I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
