I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
