How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
