I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
