Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
