Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
