Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
