Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
barbara walters just said penis...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
