there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
