phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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