You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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