I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
