She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
