Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
