the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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