I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
