Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.