i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
