piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
