you didnt know i had herpes?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
