I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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