My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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