If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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