tell your sister to shave her snatch
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
