The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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