I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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