We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
