I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
