i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
