She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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