Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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