i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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