is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
