someone get that fucking seahorse.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
